Scary Things

After i got back from biking this morning, I did something very brave. I got on the scale. It was worse than I thought. 133 lbs and that after dieting for the past 2 weeks and working out for the past week! Shit what was it before? Now a year ago, I was about 116. And for the two years before that I was about 116-122.
And Mia said she's been averaging 125, getting down to 122. Oh shit that just sucks!She's thinner than me.
Dieting sucks. No two ways about it. So I really needed to see how Kirstie Alley is gonna be on Oprah wearing a bikini. Oh please give me a break. This woman has all day to workout. I wanna see just what she would do if she had to work a full time job and take care of her family and all that kinda stuff. If she did not have as much time to devote to her weight loss, just how much weight would she have lost. I mean Oprah herself has lost and gained weight over and over. Who can forget her pulling that wagon with all the meat showing the amount of weight she had lost?
Now I have nothing but respect for Lady O. I think she is the best. I’m just saying, weight loss is hard, and it is especially hard when you are a working woman who has tons of stuff to do all the waking hours of your life, let alone find time to workout. And I feel the celebrity stuff just overloads us all with guilt as to why we cannot achieve those things. I look at women like Carolyn Manhiem and Queen Latifa and think they are gorgeous. They are strong and healthy. But men and clothing designers push the stick lady thing on us.
Yes, some women do it, and then some women are space aliens like my brother’s ex wife who changed a car transmission when she was eight months pregnant.
And if you are wondering, I am dieting. And it sucks. Mia mentioned us looking like we did when we were teens. We are dreaming of achieving this next summer. Well even if we do reach that goal, our faces will still be old. But it would be nice to feel good about our bodies again.
Speaking of Queen L, I remember something she said on one of her tv shows, what the world would be like if there were no men, and she said, "A bunch of fat, happy women and no crime."

Ok long day ahead. Gotta get the red on those parts and later, finish sanding that back door and paint most of it. Then try and figure out how to get the screen off so I can paint the other side.

All my friends are crazy

This is a photo of a little girl with her whole life ahead of her. Her brain not yet damaged by bad experiences and broken dreams.
I'm sitting here on the couch after a weekend that was pretty draining. First off Mia gets here Firday night. She had dropped off her youngest Bea and the middle girl, Niko with her oldest Marie, who goes to school here in Charlotte. We had a nice time playing cards in the big room. She is still upset about weekend up north, still looking for answers. I mean, desperately searching. It's eating at her and I can't say I blame her.
Then Sat morning we went into town and had a nice time at breakfast at IHOP. We had a nice talk. We waited for the girls, they were staying at Marie's dorm. You got to understand it's a rocky ride with Mia. I never know what to expect in her moods. So it keeps me on edge at times. This was one of the nice times.
Then I had to go up to the Car Show. That went good. Then I changed into my medival outfit and went to the Ren Fair to meet up with Mia and the girls. It's a unnerving being around a person who may blow up at any second. Kinda like haning out with a ticking time bomb and the timer is set on whenever. You keep waiting to say or do the wrong thing that will set off the bomb. To love and care for someone so much that you deal with that sort of behavior.
There's alot more but the main thing is we had a nice time, Mia got tired and cranky towards the end of the evening. Not a good candidate for a Vegas trip that's for sure. Not one for rolling with the flow.
Sunday we hung out at the house most of the day until we all left to meet Marie and her boyfriend for lunch before Mia and the 2 girls headed back home.


I know my writing kinda sucks today. No energy. Not really. It was weird driving back home after lunch yesterday. The afternoon sun shining onto the through the bright colors of the fall leaves, casting a surreal golden gold. To drive through all that beauty after a weekend with someone who cannot see the miracles in her life.
Mia wants answers she may never get. To deal with a problem,a person must know that they have a problem and be willing to be honest about what that problem is. I don't know if Mia could faced the truth about her problem. Actually, I don't think she ever could.
On other fronts, the check still did not come. I did not get any work done today. Worked a little on the house, I'm trying to get the big room door repaired and painted before it rains on Thursday. I was standing outside looking at the house with Mia yesterday and it really bothered me we have allowed the house to get in such
poor condition. Yeah, I guess when you're having a midlife crisis, serious illness, and other traumas and dramas, there's no time for household maintainance.

Not a bad Thursday

I was watching the A-Team yesterday. Back when that Show was new, I used to wish that A Team was real. That there was this group of guys who went around rescuing people out of horrible, unfair situations. I guess I thought I needed to be rescued, but looking back, my life wasn't so bad. Thinking of how I felt 23 years ago. In 1983 I moved out my parent's house into a 200 yr old farmhouse on the CT River. I was 23 years old. It was a different world back then and I was different person, full of hopes and dreams with my whole life ahead me.

If someone had told me how things would be 23 years later, it would have made me very sad. Hell, if someone had told me how the world would be, that would have scared and depressed me. I know things could be worse, both for me and the world, but the world is not a good place these days.
I think the 80's was the last of the innocence that gave this country it's hope for so long. Back then I couldn't concieve of children shooting each other in schools, an economy that costs so much, both parents must work to survive, racism still surviving, the rich getting richer than ever, the poor getting even poorer. The Middle Class fading away.
Oh well, I'm 46 years old, still fighting the same battles, customers, scheduling, my weight, my love life. And the A Team is not real. It's now just an old tv show that relics like me watch.
M is coming up this weekend. She;s thinking of having N stay here until Christmas. J really likes the idea and so do I. We had a nice night tonight. I cleaned. And the house looks good. I vaccumed in my bedroom, places that I not vaced in years. I'm changing, I can feel it. Riding the bike every morning, walking in the afternoon and not eating at night. Taking more care in my life.
I have no idea what is ahead for me and I don't really want to know. I just want to enoy my journey. Now there is one of the big differences between 1983 me and 2006 me. I'm just happy with what I have and grateful for it. I don't know I was good person back then, but D made things so hard with his BS. That man really fucked up my life. All he had to so was work and live our live together. But that's another story.
Well it's cold down here in the office and I want to get under the blanket for a while until I go to bed. Too late to do any writing, well, real writing. J and I had a nice night tonight. He really loves me. He has hope, I can see it, and hope makes all the difference. Maybe that was his problem, he did not have hope. Not enough anyway.
Hope fuels the fire of life and love. 23 years later, I still have it.

Getting sick of BS Wednesday

I guess I just got tired of the bullshit today. I mean there's only so much a person can take. I'm still pissed off about the rumors that nasty little brat spread around about me. Then finding out that someone else is writing the book I wanted to write for my publisher. I knew the idea would come out sooner or later and I wanted to beat anyone else to the punch.
And I'm still waiting for the checks that are due. Mid Oct my ass. And there are people waiting for payments.
And then there's the dog. her attitude is getting real shitty. And I try to be so helpful and pacient, but she's not interested in helping at all. She reminds me of my parents. Just not even try, just wear it all out on Spooky. She puts up with everything. She'll let everyone walk all over her. Even her dog has no respect, won't even try to help out.
I'm scared that when M comes to visit this weekend and if she acts up, I'll let her have it.
Plus I'm frustrated I'm missing the Vegas Show. Abd I'm behind in my work. And it's record cold. And I need to lose about 10 pounds to even think of fitting into most of my clothes. And M is thinner than me for the first time ever.
And those witches in that club are throwing me out. And that blonde witch is living the good life in paradise.
And my brother moved back home when I really needed him and the family here.
So no, I'm feeling shitty today. And no it's not PMS. I get tired of being nice all the time.

A good start to Tuesday

This morning I suited up and rode my mt bike for the first time in over a year. For years I rode 7 miles everyt morning before breakfast. It was my way of clearing my head, having peaceful time in the beauty around me as well as keeping my butt from getting as huge as it is now.
But the events of last year affected me to the point where I didn't care and made excuses.
And of course this morning, we awoke to the first frost of the season. So that meant wearing thermal underwear and heavy sweatshirts. But I did it and my legs feel so good. So springy. I just need to keep thinking of how awesome they'll feel in a month or two. My whole body feels good. Yeah walking is good, but biking uses alot more muscles and more fo your whole body.
So today I have to work on JB's parts, I'm nearly on the homestretch and I'm feeling real good about that job. Gotta go to CHD and meet a new customer and do some errands. Then it's home to work on the parts and enjoy the beautful place I get to live. yeah it's not a house at the beach, but this time of year, it is so beautiful.
The photo above was taken last summer. It's what I see as I sit at my "desk" here in my "office."
Ok now I have to do the PayPal thing and get those books out. Lazy bitch.

A Monday to Enjoy

I slept later than I wanted. Gotta start setting that fricking alarm. Gotta start riding that bike every morning and lose this enormous ass that seems to have grown back there.
Jay and I went to breakfast in Lancaster. It was so beautiful with the fall colors and all. Driving on the country roads that are becoming so scarce. I started working on the fender of a bike, and taking photos for an article of the process.
I had a fire going in the fireplace as it was kinda chilly. Then I hear Jay out there with the lawn mower. he was gonna pull the tree off the dog kennel. A few weeks ago, when I was helping Bart move down from up north, we had a big windstorm and the top a huge deadtree broke off and plunged thru the tin roof of the kennel. So Jay threw a rope around it and we pulled the tree into a better position. Then we used straps to hook it to the mower and tried to pull it out. I had to help the mower as the tires kept spinning.
But we got it out. Then Jay got out the chain and start cutting it up. His back is still in rough shape from when he spasismed during the seizure three weeks ago. Plus he's having a hard time with it getting it to cut through the wood. So I asked him if I could use the chainsaw and cut it up.
He looks at me like I'm nuts. Now ya gotta understand I have this silly fear of chainsaws. That is I used to. My dad had a little chainsaw that I loved to use. Back in the early 80's I used to heat my parents' house with a woodstove that I had built myself. My boyfriend Derek started helping and as was his custom, he really got into it, buying these big chainsaws that scared the hell out of me. So I stopped handling the chainsaws. The early 80's was a rough time in New England, many people were out of work so lots of people heated their houses any way they could. Standing deadwood was a precious commodity. We used to cut our wood in a city park. Now we weren't supposed to be there, but we were discreet and there were several others doing the same thing.
We had found a stand of maybe 6 big trees and arrived to cut it at the same time as another group of people. So me and Derek are standing there, chainsaw to chainsaw up against the other group. They were ready to take it further. Can you imagine? Two groups fighting it out with chainsaws? We backed down. Screw that.
Those were some desperate times. We were all laid off work just like so many other people. I made money any way I could. I used to collect cans and bottles during festivals, like the Fiddle Fest in Hartford.
So here I am today, 24 years later. My now husband has no idea I ever even touched a chainsaw. So I take the chainsaw, and next thing I know, it's just like 1980, I'm slicing through that stuff like baloney. Moving the saw through the wood, slicing off a piece, pushing it aside, moving the branch, hodling the wood in palce with my foot and repeating it over and over. It felt good. It felt so natural. Jim just stood back not believing what he saw. I had that entire tree top sawed up in time at all.


The weather was perfect. Warm enough but with a touch of fall snap. The bright sun streaming through the yellow leaves on the trees. The earthly smell of wood fire in the air. A home and a husband that I love.
Mia called me later on. She's doing ok. I think she's doing real well after the farce she endured last weekend. She wants to come up this weekend. Now I have that car show to do, but I'll make time for both the show and her.
It is now 11pm. My studio is shutdown and it's time to dialdown and relax before bedtime. I really should write for a while and maybe I will. I have to make time most everyday for writing.
I'm happy.

Why I'm here blogging.

I have a few blogs but my customers can read them. I want to be able to write how I feel and what's going on without worrying about it reflecting back on my professional life. I had enough of that shit in the last year! I mean there are thousands of blogs on here, what's the chances are anyone I know reading this?
As the year winds down, it's been an insane year. Jay's cancer - dealing with that, my friendship with that horrible player creature (it would be an insult to scumbag men to call him a scumbag man,) the way that friendship affected my business and my reputation among my peers and the way I dealt with that specific program (very serious thoughts of suicide), the way the stress it created affected my health ( have to make a dr appointment - I'm scared the stress has made me sick), and now dealing with the fallout.
Jay's health is good for now. I still need to work with him to make our marriage better. I love him very much. My best guy friend moved here then moved back. I just want him and his family to move here and stay. We need them and they need us.
I'm really scared that the stress from this past summer has hurt me. I have to see my dr this week. So more stress. On the good side, Jay is doing better after the seizure. I think of how hopeless and down on myself I was back in July. I truly didn't care if I lived or died. Libby didn't make things easy. She was pretty rough on me and I guess I deserved it but between her and Mia, I really let those two get to me, to the point that the only reason I didn't bump myself off was that I had to take of Jay. Plus the never being a mom thing was really smashing down on me. Add the bullshit from last year and all the damage it did, it was all more than I could take. I broke. I pray I am repairable.
I am seeing life differently. Like something as simple as having a fire in the fireplace. I haven't had a fire in the fireplace in a few years. But I've built a few in the past weeks.



I'm happy with the work I've been doing. Some real good stuff and some killer good ideas. I need to get serious with my journalism. I have about 6 articles due. I'm really happy that I'm getting a new book contract. And it will be very awesome once those 2 royalty checks arrive. Money isn't real tight, but I'm not really rolling but things are getting better. I just need to keep going the way I am.
Maybe it's the season. Fall always affects me. I want to redo my bathroom. Hell I've lived in this house for 10 years and my bathroom has always been nasty. I just know I love life.
Ok, my legs have had enough. Got to get horizontal.