in which the post means nothing to anyone but me

watching "back to the future 2." Means nothing to anyone but me.

Why should it mean something to me?

because of something that happened to me in 1993. I got lost years earlier. No matter how strong or found I thought I was, I was still lost.

Lost in what? Lost in myself, lost in denial, living my life getting strength through others. That was wrong.

I shoulda been living life through myself. Looking back I can clearly see I did not need anyone. I was strong enough to do it on my own.

Then I took a trip to memphis to the HD drags. It was the first long distance trip I had taken on my own in many years. I remember getting that motel room. "back to the future 2" was on the tv. I had never seen it before. I coulda hung with a guy I had met but I walked away and got my own room. I didn't need some guy to be happy.

I could be alone and be happy. It was a first.

I've often thought of that day and knew something significant happened to me, but I wasn't exactly sure what I had been.

Now I know. And I still feel that rush when I see that movie. I love that feeling. It's so liberating.

There have been times since that day in 1993 that maybe I shoulda watched that movie.

Ups and downs and bad memories

I haven't posted in a while. I do have a blog up on myspace that I write in more often.

I had planned on posting a happy blog but the phone rang. It was my best/brother's wife. I could the screaming in the background.

I hate it. He sounds just like my dad.

I thought all that was far behind me, back in the distant murky backwater of memories.

But he brought it back to ugly life in a second. My parents are in the grave. So much pain. So much wasted life. Bad things out weighing the good events that happened.

Frustration and the anger that grows from it. The anger that gets directed at the helpless who love enough to put up with it.

Hearing him ranting and raving, going on and on. How can she stand it? How did I stand it?

Maybe that is why I have no tolerance for it. Jim does not talk to me like that.

I am not perfect. Our home is not perfect. Not perfectly clean. Not perfectly organized. Not perfectly uncluttered.

But it's not a trash heap either.

I am the queen of the middle ground.

Some clutter, some free space. Vac when I can. Change cat box twice a week.

Bro could never live here.

I could never live like that. Screaming. Ranting. Negative vibes for hours.
How you love someone and use them like that?

Sometimes he is a good man. A good dad. But so was my dad. I loved him. But there were many times when I did not like him. I always felt bad for him as I knew he was unhappy. So he expected us to be better and when we were not, he took it out on us.

Those long terrible nights of hell.

I just wanted him to stop.

Just like tonight. I just wanted bro to stop. I could feel the hell she was experiencing thru the phones lines.

Makes me appriciate what I have.

I love my guy. I love him so much. I respect him. He is not perfect. But we accept each other as is.

Bro will be here tomorrow. He will want me to take his side. He will not understand why I would ever feel differently.

Being the queen of the middle ground is not an easy gig sometimes.