I fucked up

Not sure how to feel about today. Did not get a damn thing done. But had good quality time with hubby.
Lost out on a pair of killer boots I really wanted cos I was cheap and someone snipped me out at the end of the auction. I really don't think I'll ever see another pair like that in that kind of condition. But I sold my jacket on ebay.
And I guess I did not need to spend $50 on a another pair of boots. I'm not as upset about it as I was a few minutes ago.
Talked to my brother today. he made me laugh. I miss him so much.
The new kitty I took in is doing well. She seems to like the cat kennel and I take her walks in woods to get her used to the place. Tomorrow I take her for exam and shots. There goes the boot money I guess.
But here was the fucked icing on the day. I was setting up a piece of wood to block water from splashing on the cat's little box I made for her. And I walked right into a piece of wire screen and slashed my chin and lower lip big time.
I was so pissed at myself for being so stupid. Blood is dripping all over. I was so scared to even look at it. I mean here I am dieting, exercising, to look good, and I go and slash my face.
Jay yelled at me at first, then he was very supportive. It didn't need stitches and I don't think the scars will be too bad. The thing is to keep the scabs from opening up. So no laughing, which will be hard as my bro had my laughing and I had to hold my face to keep it from stretching.
And it will be hard to eat. So maybe I'll lose a few more lbs.
Sucks about losing those boots. But I have others. maybe I'll wear them. I guess that will teach me to be cheap.
My body is really starting to feel strong. The workouts are paying off.
What a fricking night. Lose the awesome boots, slash my face. Fuck.

Top Gun

Stuck to the inside cover of the old toolbox I used back in the 1980's, is a movie stub from "Top Gun." I think I went alone to see it. Maybe not. But for whatever reason, the movie affected me enough for me to stick the stub to my toolbox alongside the puppy dog and kitty cat stickers, where it still sits, nearly 21 years later.
I was living in the old farmhouse by the river. I was 25 years old. I used to go to the little gift shop in the nearby mall and buy cute little stickers cos I wanted a cute little life. My life was anything but cute at that point. Derek was doing mounds of cocaine with the whore kathy. I was wearing the weight of our silly little world on my shoulders. I was in big time denial. I just thought if I believed everything would be all right, and worked hard, and kept optomistic, life would be good. But it's hard to carry the load all alone. Derek dragged on me like a dying dog that had enough life left in him to make things even more difficult.
They say there's always two sides to the story, but it was all Derek's fault. he blew money on cars and junk and drugs and left it to me to pay all the bills. If I tried to talk to him about it, he said I was being unfair.
So if anything was my fault back then, it was that I let him get away with it. I just kept hoping he would "see the light."
Maybe he did, but it didn't happen in the years I knew him. He was a man who appricated crutches, he made the most of them. I was his biggest.
I guess I think about those days as I want to enjoy them the way I could not back then. back then there were too many painful dramas going on. And yes, it was all Derek's fault. We could have had such a wonderful life together. But unlike Jimmy Stewart's George in "It's Wonderful Life," Derek could never see what might have been been. He was too busy following his ego and his insecurities.

Things that make me sick, #1 - OJ!!!!!

1)First off this whole OJ Simpson reveling in the deaths of hsi ex wife and her friend, is beyond science fiction horrible. He needs to pay for what he did. No I'm no judge and I wasn't there, but come on. What kind of person does the things he has he? Not an innocent person that's for sure. He is one sick fuck.
2) Tearing down the old colliseum when it is only 18 years old and cost 50 mil back then. God these politians love to waste our money.
3) People who wait out in line to buy the new Playstation. Comon people, $400 or more for a fricking game player to replace the one you dished out $400 or more for less than 2 years ago? Don't complain about money, you're pissing it away. Atleast if you bought cool shoes and took good care of them, you could sell them 10 years later and get some of your money back. Wait 20 years or more and call them Vintage, get even more $$.
4) Humm, I'm not really pissed about anything, but that OJ thing just turned my tummy.

I had 2 good workouts on the mt bike today. It's so cool feeling my body changing. No real weight loss this week, but I'm due for my period very soon. Water weight? Yeah sure. The good news is, I have lots of energy for more serious workouts and I can push myself harder and get ripped.

Did not get enough work done today. That sucked. Got to make up for it tomorrow. Had to take the little kitty to the vet for her annual shots. Tonight were supposed to get hit with bit storms tonight. That tornado shit always scare me.
Oh and I did two thing I havent done in well over a year. I scrubbed the tub, it was really nasty. And I slathered shea butter on my body after my shower.
Ok gotta go to bed. I posted more stuff on ebay and THE SHOES I WANT ARE UP FOR AUCTION AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! I was so bummed when the auction was removed. I really put alot of thought into this purchase. These shoes are so cute and they will really come in handy. I woulda worn them today if I had them.

And with that the warm weather went south for the winter.

Today was the last warm day for a while. I got a set of parts in color. Took the mt bike tire in to be fixed. Sealed seams on the house and posted 2 pairs of boots on ebay.
I think my ebay buying spree is over. I'm happy with my purchases. With what I'm selling, it will be a wash. Trading one set of good for another. But I think I'll use these goods. The magazine (seen above) I bought is something that has lots of meaning for me. But I'm also excited about the painting I'm going to do of the cover. I want it to be life sized. Hopefully the painting will be as intreging as the photo. The magazine itself is a classic. There were only 6 issues ever produced. It's from 1973. I was 13 then and I damn near lived for this magazine. It was my only escape from the often times, nightmare that my little life was.
I had a good workout on the bike later this afternoon. I think my body is finally coming around, and now I can really start working it and getting my body back to looking good and feeling strong.
The bro called me today and I had to tell him that I'm not coming up for Thanksgiving. Just about broke my heart, but Mia and the girls need me. Plus there's the work thing. And I really am not into driving all the way up there. But it will hurt not to be there. Marie was so happy when I said I'd go there. Plus I really want to bring Nikko back with me.
But now the day is over and I'm going to get under the incredible colorful quilt on my bed and read my groupie book for a while. I'm not sure what's going on with myhead. But I'm happy.

And another Monday bites the dust

I took this picture yesterday of this tree across the street from me. The setting sun shines down the cross street and lights up this already flaming tree.
Today was an interesting day. Jay went to the dr who took a look and said Jay was ready to start preventive treatment. It was a load off my mind. Some days I think about jay's illness, some days I don't, but it's always there, lurking in the back of my mind. I am well aware that both our lives can change in an instant with one word from the dr. Oh I can't even begin to say how much I did not want to hear that word. I can't even type it.
But he's ok, for now.
I sealed this big airspace around the back door. Hard to believe we lived here 10 years and never did these things before. I look at the work on the house I have done and I'm so proud and at the same time, I'm ashamed that I did nto do these things years ago. That I let the house get more decayed, before doing these small and easy repairs.
I tried to get some real work done, like my job sort of stuff, but one of the parts needed to sit, so I did not get much done. I was going to work on some writing projects, but Diva called about the tv show. We talked for nearly 2 hours. She had to do some creative stuff and I have to say I like her ideas. The main thing is to create buzz and get the public to watch the show. It would have been great to have a US network pick it up, but she makes sense and who knows it might work out for the better.
Then a woman going for her master's called me to interview me for her thesis. Another 2 hour call. But it was helpful for me as she really liked my writing ideas. It was first real feedback I have gotten from the "general public." I need to write that first story. That's the one.
I listed another item on ebay. Some gloves I've had.
But tommorrow the slow days end. I've got to get busy with my journalism again. Real busy. I can't miss these opportunities I'm handed.
I love my life. I love my husband, tho our marriage is far from ideal. I love my friends. Sure a child to share it with would make it perfect, and maybe someday it will happen, but for now, it's one day at a time. Looking past the problems to the beauty that lies all around. That one word, it can change so much.

Ebay, Rocky, Flat Tire and 1982.

It's 7:30 pm on a Sunday night. Jay is out in the garage watching the race and working on his chopper projects, he has two of them going at once. I'm sitting down here in the big room/office. Rocky III is on tv. That movie came out in 1982 and I can remember going to the movies to see it. Mr T just knocked out Rocky. I like watching 80's movies. The clothes, the music, it brings back all the innocence of that time. I think the 80's was the last of the innocence that came after World War 2. There was a sense of hope and dreams through the 50's, 60's, 70's and finally the 80's. The 80'd ended and suddenly the party of the American life was over. It just got more and more expensive to live, corperate greed was on it's way to spiraling out of control, the idea of working at a job for most of your life and getting a pension was gone, factorys were shutting down and jobs moving overseas at a pace that would only accelerate in the new millinenum. Like Prince would sing, 'gonna party like it 1999.' Yup, the golden years were over and the innocence gone, especially for the younger set, kids and teens. There little lives would be scripted and micromananged and playtime would be scheduled.
Ok, enough of that. I just like to sit and remember how fun it was. I just wish I had known how precious it all was. I would have enjoyed it more.
So I'm sitting here listing stuff to sell on ebay. One of my items has sold and it looks like the other two will sell. I'm just gonna keep posting stuff for the next 4 weeks and try to sell as much as possible.
I have too much stuff. I was gonna sell some jewelry but I wait till I'm old and really need the money. It doesn't take up much space.
I painted the frame on the picture window Saturday. Boy was it beat! The wood was starting to get soft in places and I had to do alot of filling and sanding. But I got it all done and two coats of blue paint on. I was so sore from going up and down that ladder. And then it rained hard last night. Wow, just in time!
I finished up today and removed the tape and sealed all the edges and started sealing the seams in the house. I also cleaned out a nearby gutter.
So this week I'm supposed go out with Marie and Bobby Jo. Bobby Jo wants to be an artist agent! So we get to go to all the opening, dress all eclectic and artsy, and network with the trendy $$ folks. We get to wear all our neat stuff! Dressing up will be half the fun!
So otday after I got through with the window, I went mt biking. I had a route all planned, about 10 miles, part of it trail riding. I head out and do much better than I did last Sunday. I had more energy was able to get up most of the hills without stopping. Then I get to the trail head and turn in. That's when it got interesting.
No one had been on this trail all year. It was completely grown in but I forged on. Then there were two streams I had to cross. To get across a stream around here, you have to go down a steep slope, get the bike across the water, the push the bike up the other side. I had to go this twice and these up and down hills were very steep.
I did get a ride a little but it mostly pushing the bike though the thick brush that had filled the trail. I finally get to the other side, go out onto the pavement. I'm rolling along, the sun is setting, I have about 2 1/2 miles to get home and the rear tire blows out!
Jay had to come and get me. I got home and went for a hike. All toll, I worked out for 2 hours today.
Wow, 1982! The night I went to the movies to see Rocky III I was 22 years old, my parents were still alive and I lived at home. I had my whole life ahead of me. I had no idea what lay ahead. No one did.

A Very Bad Girl

I've been very bad. Bad artist girl! I went on boot overload. Bought two pairs of Tecnica furry boots on ebay. One pair was brand new with brown fur all over, the other pair is just unreal. They are so me, piecemealed with suede, tapastry, two kinds of fur, sheepskin.
Then I went to that jewelry party that Jenn had last night and I bought a knock off designer handbag. I thought about it all night, it was more than I wanted to spend. It was all Jenn's fault, she talked me into it. First off, it looks great with me, it's totally my style (hippie eclectric) and it is perfect for when I'm at shows. I can put my books in it, and a photo book or two, plus my cars, plus my camera stuff and toss in more stuff. Plus it looks stylish and lord knows I need to look my best at those things. I can even fit a small laptop in it, so it's perfect for traveling.
I don't even want to think baout what I spent, but a REAL - & - bag would be waaay more $$ and the boots retail for $300 or more per pair and I spent less than that. And I will have the boots forever. I live in my Tecnicas in the winter and mine were getting worn.
No biking, I walked twice as it was raining all day. It's raining in washington State and I'm sad that people are suffering cos of it, but it is too bad that a certain jackass who should suffer, will most likely not.

I voted today. First time in 2 years as I was out of state during this time. I can't believe that jerk Republican in Tenn is winning over that Ford guy. The nasty ugly commercials the Republicans ran, the ones where they tried to play up on black men and white women? It's as if they are being rewarded for those awful, insulting tv ads.
I'm beat, I'm going to bed.

People Think I'm Crazy

Atleast my husband thinks I'm nuts. I went for a bike ride today and decided to take a ride on the trails that run through the fields. Now there are miles and miles of them on hundreds of acres of private property. Who knows who is out there? And if something happened, no one would know.
Now I feel that I'm sorta wise about this kinda stuff. I stop and listen, I check the trail for fresh tracks. It didn't appear that anyone else was out there. I was very very careful. But still.
But that was not problem, the problem was I did not print out the Google earth map of the area so I got lost. And the sun was getting lower and lower. So I break away from the main trail and head off east so I'll move towards the direction I need to be going. Then after a mile or so the off trail I took ends. I say fuck it, and get off the bike and start pushing it through the woods. Then I see the creek, and have na idea where I am. I pick up the bike and get it across the creek and keep going through the woods.
Turns out I was way closer to home than I thought. It was a short ride back to the house. Not one person I know would have done something like that. Just head off into the woods on a trail all alone. But I used to do that all the time back home up north.
Why did I do it? Well, I love trail riding on the mt bike, finding new places to ride, discovering stuff. And I'm used to it.
And there is the fact that I miss the body in the picture above. 13 years ago, that body was mine. Check out those legs and the 6 pack abs. That bod was the result of mt biking 12 miles a day for over a year. Every morning and the route had a few real nasty hills. Leg killers. I never got used to them hills. It about killed me every time I went up them.
So I want that body back. I keep forgetting it took a year to get it. Actually it was a result of many years. I've let myself go worse than I have ever been. I have been very good with the diet. I can't believe I'm so determined. I can feel my body changing. Bad thing is I have no energy but that's to be expected eating as little as I have been. I want to get down to 122 or so, then I'll start eating more carbs and protein and get down to serious working out with weights. That's the plan anyway, right now I'm trying to burn off some fat.
I probably won't write tomorrow. Breakfast with hubby and then work, and then I have to leave to go to Jenn's for a jewelry party. I remember my mom used to have and go to those Sara Coventry parties back in the 70's. Leave it to Jenn to bring that back. She does these things to get the free stuff the hostesses get. She lives in this big big $$ house and lives this high end life and has all these ways to get free stuff. Cracks me up.
I bought a new pair of furry boots tonight. Got them for less than a 1/3 of their actual price.
By the way, I love my husband.

Did not get jack shit done yesterday but I got on the scale this morning and weighed in at 128.5! Oh hell yes!!!
Went into town for breakfast with jay and then grocery shopped. Now I'm ready to go into the studio. Todays photo was taken Aug of last year at Needles Highway in the Black Hills of SD. if you look on the rock you can see me standing up on the rock face. My friend Rick took it. Rick just arrived in Iraq. He'll be there for a year. I got a letter from him yesterday, he's a pretty handsome bugger but eccentric in his own ways. But maybe we all are.
I found out there's gonna be a high school reunion next year for my class of '78. I remember 10 years ago they tried to not invite me, Mia and Terri. Well I already sent the chick in charge an email and she emailed me back all nice and stuff but she wanted to know how I found out. Hell, don't they ever get over it? Try and not include the "weird" girls in high school and then try years later in adult life? Nice try, but this is NOT HIGH SCHOOL AND WE ARE NEARLY 50 FRICKIN YEARS OLD, SO GET OVER IT!
Besides, now me and Mia really have incentive to get in top shape for next year! Now I really gotta` get that lower face lift! I 'm serious, I'm doing it, fuck it, you only live once.

The Weekend Again?

My brother, the big idiot, called this morning and things were fine and then he mentioned moving to a place over an hour from me and that pissed me off. Like I have all day to drive back and forth. Chester was bad enough. I need my family 30 miles away or less.
I took my walk this morning. I'm trying this new thing of walking up hills backwards and it really blasts my legs. I'll bike this afternoon. It was too cold to bike this morning, 30 degrees.
I saw about 4 fat quails walking across the road. They were so cute. And right on the other side of the house, there were 3 guys dressed in camo.
But it was a nice walk and then bro called and we talked, he's gonna try and borrow the money for the house that's nice and close. I just want my family near me. It's been so so many years. Me` and the bro work so well together. We woudl get so so mach done. And to be near the boys. And Carrie. I just want them close enough to enjoy our time together. Todays photo was taken last Thanksgiving, when he was gonna burn the house down as his wife was gonna call the cops on himas he was being a real jackass. I just kept cooking as he blew up around me.
The fall colors are so awesome. I sure will miss them. And one of the checks came and the other should come this week. Gotta finish up those red and black parts and get the orange ones finished. I just have to keep working and the money will come in and life will be relaxed. Security, my family close by, no traumas for a while, it sounds like a dream come true. I pray it does.

Just a thought on Moms

I was just watching "Judging Amy." And I guess I'll never understand people who have moms that care enough to help them, and they bitch about it. Like when Susan P's mom used to bring her paper and household goods. She used to complain that her mom was not letting her be responcible. She ahs no idea how lucky she was. Susan was always such an ass. Now don't get me wrong, I loved my mom, but she never helped me after I became an adult. I was on my own, like it or not. Derek's mother was more of a "mother" to me. Actually I thought the world of Derek's mom and I still do. She was there for her children, no matter what. She lived her life on her terms, yet she always had time for her kids.
To have parents that you can relate to, that can relate to you, that can share life with you, instead of draining away the life energy you have. I love my parents for the good things, and after so many years, I'm not really angry about their shortcomings and how those so affected me. Maybe it is what has given me the very strong survvial instinct I possess.
I know a tv show is no real reflection of life, but I do love watching "Judging Amy." It takes place in my hometown of Hartford, Ct and I look at it and part of me wishes my family woulda been more like that.
This afternoon's photo? Glastonbury, Ct in 1984, Naubuc Ave, looking across the street from my old house. That field and the tobacco sheds are long gone replaced by a Super Shop and Stop, Barnes and Noble and a bunch of other retail, office, and whatever. I guess I'm glad I didn't buy that house, although it was for sale in 1985 for $100,000, it is now worth $450,000. It was such a cool house. I hope it still is.

Cold ass Friday

Watching A Team this morning. I have a long day in the studio. Man those red and black parts are coming out great. I biked this morning and it was fricking cold. About 37 and the wind kept fucking with me. No matter which way I was riding, the wind was against me.
I got a great idea, I wish I had thought of it 10 years ago. I went into the woods yesterday and dug up some red leafed suger maples. I want to try and dig up about 20 of them, grow them in pots in replant them this spring. I want to line my yard with red trees for the falls to come.
I made meatloaf last night, it was very yummy. of course I'm not eating dinner, just breakfast and lunch. I am bound and determined to get back down to below 120. I have about 10 lbs to go.

The photos today were taken on my morning ride this week. Hard to believe it is cold as hell and a few days ago, it was tank top weather.
The torment of SEMA is nearly over. Ben will come home and brag on it and it will suck a little longer, but then it will get better.

The week zips by

Well today is supposed to be the last warm day for a while. It's such a rush seeing the leaves fall. For me, it's one of the wonders of our world.
I biked 10 miles this morning. It was rough. I have never biked more than 7 miles before breakfast. But I did it. My weight is down to 130 from 133.
I'm still having problems posting photos on here. That jackass really messed up my computer. And speaking of the jackass, I guess things aren't quite going his way. But then you never know what to believe with a person like that. There always seems to be some sort of trauma that he uses for excuses. I have no time for people like that in my life. They drain the life energy out of anyone around them.
As I said yesterday, I have a long day today in the studio, which will be a change as I have been outdoors working on parts for two days now. One thing I have to do, is move the two big plants inside. I've been putting it off.
Oh and Martha has these really cool Thanksgiving recipes. They sound real yummy.
Oh and the photos above were taken back in 1983 in Glastonbury, CT, a place and time that has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

At the end of the day

Well I got alot done today. Finished painting the door and put the rolling screen back. I did a little more sealing on the back windows and touchup the paint.
Man, it;'s been YEARS since I did any real work around the house. God it feels good. As I had to have the door open all day. I had to put the cats in the kennel. It was too funny. Goth sat out there and howled pitifully. Nikki got so excited with everything, she dragged herself all the way over the kennel and back. Seeing how full of life that dog still is, made me decide that I will get her the K9 cart. If she had that cart, she'd probably live a few more years. I just don't know what all the Rymadil is doing to her kidneys. Maybe I better call Barb and ask her.

Got the clear on the red and black parts and the orange parts are all sanded and ready. I'll get all the rework done on the red and black stuff tomorrow and that will be done.
Then the orange stuff goes in the booth.
I even cleaned in the yard a bit. And something occured to me. Could I hook my wireless speakers up to the Directv reciever and listen to XM radio? Yes, I could and I did and it rocks. I was grooving the 80's all afternoon. I was sanding parts, looking at the setting sun filtering through the yellow and orange trees while I "felt" the 80's. It was cool. In fact I still have it on.
I just got out of the shower. I feel more alive these past couple of weeks than I have felt in a long long time.
I just need to finish catching up and then I can live life on my terms.
And no the fricking checks did not come today. Tonight I'll do some writing. And yes it sucks not being in Vegas, Ben and Heather went, god I would have had a blast. Margorie woulda gone, her, Darwin and the Ben and Heather show. I woulda had my own crew to party with. Oh well. But then I woulda come home to nightmare of overdue work. So I did the right thing. And I love the way I feel.

And then suddenly it was November

It's sunny this morning and it's supposed to be warm here. Then a cold front will be coming through and bang, cold frickin days. No sanding outdoors. The SEMA thing is grating on me, but I hate being behind in my work and I am so close to catching up. And it will bw worth it, I'll be caught up. I've been suffering for two years now. I can't take it anymore.
I did my biking this morning and took a bunch of photos. The colors of the trees are so spectacular.
I used my little flat camera that I have not used since Feb 2004. Before the two cats died, before I met that awful person. Back when life was on a good track, too bad I did not know it at the time.
Well I need to stop regretting. Now atleast I know how much I value what I have, I know to be thankful for it.
The back door looks good, I really got alot done on it, filling cracks and painting. I want to finish it today and start sealing any window frame cracks.
I got the red painted on JB's parts. It was tough, trying to match that color. Today I have to sand those parts, get primer on the bottom of MB's parts and sand them so they are ready for paint as it will be too cold to sand outside after tomorrow.
Still can't find Jay's box. I sure hope Bea didn't take it.
I love Jay so much. The battle he fought this year, scared me so much. I can remember sitting in Starbucks, all those dr visits.
What a year.
Well this things won;t let me upload pics this morning so check back later and hopefully I'll have some pic from this mornings ride. Speaking of checks, the check did not arrive yesterday. What a drag.