Not a bad Thursday

I was watching the A-Team yesterday. Back when that Show was new, I used to wish that A Team was real. That there was this group of guys who went around rescuing people out of horrible, unfair situations. I guess I thought I needed to be rescued, but looking back, my life wasn't so bad. Thinking of how I felt 23 years ago. In 1983 I moved out my parent's house into a 200 yr old farmhouse on the CT River. I was 23 years old. It was a different world back then and I was different person, full of hopes and dreams with my whole life ahead me.

If someone had told me how things would be 23 years later, it would have made me very sad. Hell, if someone had told me how the world would be, that would have scared and depressed me. I know things could be worse, both for me and the world, but the world is not a good place these days.
I think the 80's was the last of the innocence that gave this country it's hope for so long. Back then I couldn't concieve of children shooting each other in schools, an economy that costs so much, both parents must work to survive, racism still surviving, the rich getting richer than ever, the poor getting even poorer. The Middle Class fading away.
Oh well, I'm 46 years old, still fighting the same battles, customers, scheduling, my weight, my love life. And the A Team is not real. It's now just an old tv show that relics like me watch.
M is coming up this weekend. She;s thinking of having N stay here until Christmas. J really likes the idea and so do I. We had a nice night tonight. I cleaned. And the house looks good. I vaccumed in my bedroom, places that I not vaced in years. I'm changing, I can feel it. Riding the bike every morning, walking in the afternoon and not eating at night. Taking more care in my life.
I have no idea what is ahead for me and I don't really want to know. I just want to enoy my journey. Now there is one of the big differences between 1983 me and 2006 me. I'm just happy with what I have and grateful for it. I don't know I was good person back then, but D made things so hard with his BS. That man really fucked up my life. All he had to so was work and live our live together. But that's another story.
Well it's cold down here in the office and I want to get under the blanket for a while until I go to bed. Too late to do any writing, well, real writing. J and I had a nice night tonight. He really loves me. He has hope, I can see it, and hope makes all the difference. Maybe that was his problem, he did not have hope. Not enough anyway.
Hope fuels the fire of life and love. 23 years later, I still have it.