They filmed me yesterday

What a rush. The past week has been very insane. MA was here planting and painting. The bro was fixing things, the sis in law was cleaning. Dramas with the daughters.
Easter with the godsons, coloring eggs, eating ham.
This weekend I may go up to a show in VA.
My life , what a crazy year this has been so far.

Years of boredom and then this.

I think I like it. Yeah, I do.

hum

To go back and change the course. All I know is this. It was not what i wanted. A small little life. Small house. Small desires. Desiring little. Not that I desire big things.
But I desire a life beyond.

I just wanted to get home. Home to my little life. I desire little. But what I desire is real.

and so tomorrow

J goes for testing, again. He was in a great mood until I reminded him. He is great at putting stuff out of his mind. But the reality is always there lurking.
So tomorrow hopefully the news will be good. It was last time. It's so hard for me, it must be purely horrible for him. I love him so much.
Fantasies and such aside ( as that is all they are, a girl is entitled to her fantasies and should not be punished) I keep holding out hope that things will improve for us.
This shit is so scary.
And then tonight my eye starts swelling up and leaking green stuff. I looked it up online and it does not sound good. I was thinking of going to the ER but I'll wait till morning. I did not want to wake up J. And as his appointment is early maybe I will go too as it near the hospital.
So to bed I go and towards the dawn of another day.
Please Lord, get us thru these next 2 months, so we can enjoy life.

And so then today

they rescheduled the shoot. It's moved back 2 weeks, which is good cos it gives me more time to get ready and I go ttons of crap to do now anyway.

The bad part is, they keep telling me pumped they are about it, I don't want to be heartbroken if it does not happen. I mean it's the stuff of pipedreams to begin with. But then I felt the same way about the other thing that happened and it happened.

But now I can concentrate on the current headaches and get them done and gone. M is fine with it all and that is good. I can't go to Vail. Sure wish I could and I know I will be hurting for a while that I won't be there with them.

Came with a real good idea for the crew. Another pipedream kind of thing. I really need to put more attention into my publicity. And speaking of that I better get to work tonight on my online deals.
The Capt told me that things are not changing, they have changed I better get used to it and make the most of it. The old days are over.

The old me is over.

Well I like paying my bills on time. Imagine if I could do that all the time. Well now is the time to make that happen.

As for the other thing, I have no clue. But I think I'm working it out of my system. Career, career, career. I need to stay focused.

Besides.

Yet, summer might just be fun, no matter what ? does. It will be interesting.

ok so today

I am feeling better.

A little scared careerwise. I feel in over my head.

But it has helped take my mind off the other thing. Hoping I start to feel tired of feeling that way.

Don't really know what to think. have not heard from the girl. That call will tell me alot.

maybe.

Then today I remembered what Rebel said all those long years ago. About vunerable men. It appears he is that. What she said about wanting something. It still rings true for me.

But it is different this time. I cannot forget that.

All I can do is get to know him better. That's it.

For now.

And dreams.

if there never is another night.

..........................this one is hard. This is a real rare person.

What happened today

I am so beat. But I am not alone. My crew is beat too. Last week so was extreme.

Thought about things today. Maybe I am off base in my thinking.

Friends don't think so.

Time will tell. I wish I did not think of it so much. I think of it less and less.

I wish I did not feel the way I do. I wonder why at times. Actually I know why.

Oh well, brainless thoughts before bedtime, dialing down from the day, hope I sleep good tonight. Had to take a half pill last night. Hate that.

The Extremely Unexpected

Crazy week behind me, crazy week ahead. If I sound tired it is because I am. Greg's dog bit me today. She is such a nasty dog. The rest of his dogs are great, it's just Hiedi. She is just plain mean.
D was in a word, unreal or maybe surreal. Those 4 days past by like a foggy breeze, there was no time to think, just to react. No time to scheme or to reflect.
I blink and it was over. The event was a twisted rollercoaster that wrecked our insides more than any actual rollercoaster ride could. We could barely eat. Gina was the only one who did. The rest of us just rolled with the tide, staying upright, in a weird dazed state. Still stunned from it all.
I don't know what to think about my D experience. There was a part of it that was very unexpected. Maybe it was something. Maybe it was nothing. I think it was the latter. Just one of those odd occurances that never repeats, so I'll have to enjoy it for what it was. Nothing happened but then something did - maybe.
Things like that do not happen to me. That stuff is the material of pipedreams. Maybe it belongs there. Maybe it should stay there, in the foggy mist of the past.
Truth - now that is hard to say.